Previouscats

I’m not to blame for the pain 
That was caused by previous cats
You gotta see me for me

– Musiq Soulchild, Previous cats

Soo about last night…

The scariest thing about getting into a new relationship after you’ve had your heart broken is trusting the new person not to hurt you.  You can’t help but have this fear because a brokenheart always leaves a scar. 

It’s like when you have that epic fall off your bike and scrape your knee down to the white meat; you actually think that your life is probably over.  It hurts so bad you’re gasping for air and you’re conflicted because you can’t stop crying but you’re certain that the soundwaves from your crying is actually causing the pain to be worse.

Then you go to your parents to patch you up and they hurt you even more under the pretense of cleaning the wound clean the wound and stick a bandaid on it.  Eventually it starts to heal and a few weeks later you’re back to chasing the boys on your purple bike at top speeds like you didn’t slide on an oil slick and bust your ass in the parking lot of the complex being a fun and fancy free kid again.  You have a killer scar but you’re not in that excruciating pain anymore.  The memories are real though and they are impacting.

Try and tell this kid that it isn’t that bad…I dare you.

When we get into a new relationship we do a certain degree of disservice to ourselves in the name of self-preservation.  We look closely for any sign that our new love is like our last because even though we are willing to love again, we aren’t trying to “get cut to the white meat”.  Suddenly, a loving courtship is war and every move is strategic.

A joke becomes a veiled warning, “ok” becomes “whatever” and before long the climactic dance scene of ‘Beat It’ is playing out in a conversation you’re both trying not to have.  At this point, there are still options; you can take it as a sign that shit’s a bust and it’s time to get the hell on and hope you do better next time. Or you can  draw her favorite flower extend an olive branch as a peace offering.  One of you has to call a cease fire but both of you have to agree to it.

 

It’s normal to be cautious, smart even; but what’s not ok is putting your new love on probation for your old love’s crimes.  You’ve met someone who makes you happy, makes you feel things that you weren’t even sure you’d ever feel again.  They don’t ask for anything and want to give you everything.  You’ve felt a sense of peace, tranquility, bliss even ever since they came into your life; in short, you finally got it right and there’s nothing wrong with getting it right.

I know maybe you don’t trust yourself because you swore you had gotten it right before.  You never thought anyone would run over you and yet your back has the footprints that say otherwise.  But  if we’re using past experience as a point of reference; you have to seriously ask yourself, does this even look like what came before it?  If the answer is no and you’re still treating it like it does, in due time you’ll lose it and the only part of your past relationships that will be responsible for that is you.

-B